Pirates of the WHO, Now?
by This Is Da Vinci Speaking
Summary: AHAHAHA! Just a stupid parody I wrote like, two years ago. I never got around to actually posting it here...Rated M to be sure.
1. Little Miss Meanie Poo

**Ladies and gentlemen, one of the oldest fanfics I've written. I was a hyper dork then, so that's why I'm like, going insane in your faces. Begeth my pardon. Eth. -cough- BTW, I'm Tid. Short for This is Da. -cough again- I'm lazy.

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**

Mmmkay! Here is the first chapter to my very first POTC fanfic…EVER! Mooha! -looks around and sees her cats staring at her as if she grew another head.- -Grins at them, flicks her hands at them, shouting "shaZAM!"- -cats run away, terrified- Anyways! I wrote this after the 5,324th time watching POTC (no lie, I really have seen it 5,324 times….) and I was writing this while listening to Evanescence…it's interesting, really. But anyways, in case you didn't know, this is a frickin PARODY! Not a drama-tick boo-frickedy-hoo cry cry type thing…it's funny. And Jack is just…swoon…whoazers…and by the way, watch my goodest grammar rule the world! Oh, and say hello to my muse, Lauderdale. She's my inner self.

Lauderdale: Yo yo!

Tid: Shut up.

On with the parody!

* * *

Chapter one: Little Miss Meanie Poo!

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Young Elizabeth: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life fer me…I look like a frickin moron and I don't care...a pirate's life fer me.… 

Gibbs: (grabs Elizabeth's shoulder)

Young Elizabeth: (turns around) Huh? I mean…AIIIEEEEE!

Gibbs: (rolls eyes) ye know ye shouldn't be singin' that, Miss Swann…

Young Elizabeth: (raises an eyebrow) And why NOT!

Gibbs: (silence)…Um…because yer gonna attract the rampant blue monkeys with swords growing out of their ears! And they'll ME! AIIIIEEEEE! (runs away, screaming)

Young Elizabeth: Well, that worked out nicely…

Captain Norrington: (staring at Elizabeth) You're a hot ten-year-old…I mean…you're not supposed to be singing that…pirates are a bad thing…(looks around for support)

Captain Norrington: (gets none)

Young Elizabeth: What the bloody hell is wrong with pirates, anyhow!

Captain Norrington: They kill people, and even though you're gonna fall in love with one and dump me…they're still bad…(runs away, sobbing)

Governor Swann: ANYWAYS! Yes, Elizabeth, pumpkin, pirates are bad.

Young Elizabeth: (clouts her father) Don't call me pumpkin!

Parasol: (floats around)

Captain Norrington: Hot damn! A pretty umbrella-type-thingy floating in the water! I want it!

Young Elizabeth: (disturbed) Anyways, there is a boy in the water and I hope he dies!

Captain Norrington, Governor Swann, and Gibbs: (stares at Elizabeth)

Young Elizabeth: I mean…I hope he lives…goddammit just get 'em out!

Random Sailors: (gets the boy out)

Governor Swann: Now, Little Miss Meanie Poo, go baby-sit…I mean watch over the boy...

Young Elizabeth: Damn. (goes over to the boy and he wakes up) 'Ello, Mister Boy Man Person Alien Creature Machine Thing. I'm Elizabeth Swann, but please call me Miss Swann until I get mad at you for calling me Miss Swann and scowl at you mercilessly!

Young Will: (raises eyebrow) Yeah, whatever, I'm Will Turner. (passes out)

Young Elizabeth: OOOH SHINY! (snatches medallion) My preciousssssss….

Governor Swann: What did you find out?

Young Elizabeth: Um…that I'm ten years old, Norrington thinks I'm hot, you wanted to lick the last pirate you saw….

Governor Swann: (looking frantic) I mean about the boy!

Young Elizabeth: Oh…his name is Will Turner. That's all I found out.

Captain Norrington: And you took his shiny metal thingy.

Young Elizabeth: DID NOT!

* * *

Well, that was interesting…anyway, in the next chapter or so, we meet (dun dun dun duuuuunnnn….) CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow! -swoons dangerously- Anyways, Review, Review, Review! Please? With Jack on top? OH WAIT THAT'S MINE! Back off…-holds Jack protectively- Mine. Review anyways. Or else I'll sic Lauderdale on you. -throws Jack in a closet and runs in after him-

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**I told you I was insane.**


	2. IS NOT!

**Do try to remember this was written over three years ago...for my own reputation's sake...

* * *

**

Not much to say up here…but I did get this really hot pic of Johnny Depp dressed as Jack Sparrow with his shirt off…daaaaaaaannnnnngggg…my friend (who also likes His Holiness) wanted it, but I hissed at her and said, "Back off, he's mine!!" and now she's scared of me. Everyone's scared of making fun of Johnny in front of me, because the last person who did so now has a long scar down his arm…O.o… 

Lauderdale: You're lethal.

Tid: Aren't I, though? D ANYWAYS, on with Chappie Two!!

* * *

Chapter two: IS NOT!!!

* * *

Elizabeth: (_opens eyes_) Whoa, what a weird nightmare…did I really look that moronic?! (_gets out of bed and opens drawer_) AIIEEE!!! Oh never mind, it's just my pet spider…who's dead?! NOOOO!!!!! (_sees medallion_) Oh right, here it is…(_puts it on_)

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you decent?

Elizabeth: (_rolls eyes and tucks medallion down dress_) No, I'm making out with your butler, daddy.

Governor Swann: (_bursts through the door, looking horrified_) Oh…you were joking…well then…still in bed at this hour?

Elizabeth: (_looks incredulous_) Do I LOOK like I'm in bed? I'm clearly standing up, NOT in bed, so does it LOOK like I'm still in bed?!

Governor Swann: (_blank stare_) Anyways, I got you a present for Norrington's promotion…I mean…for no bloody reason at all!!!

Elizabeth: Riiight. Anyways, just give me the dress. (_goes behind the screen-thingy_) What the hell?!?

Governor: It's a corset. All the latest fashion in London. Even men are wearing them.

Elizabeth: (_looks disturbed_) Then people in London must not want to breathe…gasps

Random Dude: Sir, a really funky, clumsy, whiny eunuch is here…

Governor Swann: Now, Random Dude, it's not nice to talk about yourself that way…

Random Dude: Riiight. I was talking about the blacksmith. (_rolls eyes_)

(Meanwhile)

Will: SHINY!!!! (_breaks candle thingy_) Damn. (_hides it in his pocket_)

Governor Swann: Why, hello, Mr. Turner…whoa…(_looks at Will's pocket_)…either you have a candle thingy in your pocket or you're really happy to see me…

Will: (_looks horrified_) Um…I have a candle thingy…see? (_pulls out the candle thingy_)

Governor Swann: You broke that!! I'm pressing charges!!! ELIZABETH!!!

Elizabeth: Shut the bloody hell up, daddy…oh hello, Will…

Will: Hello.

Elizabeth: I had a dream about you last night, Will…

Will: (_looks at Governor Swann frantically_)

Elizabeth: About the day we met, do you remember?

Will: No, not really Miss Swann, because I was conked out…I do remember you singing badly…I think China heard it as well…

Elizabeth: (_scowls_) ANYWAY, I want you to call me Elizabeth from now on, kay?

Will: How about no?

Elizabeth: Then we are SO OVER!! (_storms away and runs right into the carriage_) Ow.

Governor Swann: (_looks at Will and shrugs_)

(Meanwhile again)

Jack: (_stands on the mast thingy, looking out into the horizon_) Hm…I have a weird feeling about this…(_looks down_) Damn. The boat is sinking….

Hanged Pirates: (_sway_)

Jack: Huh? NOT COUSIN ALBERT!!! Nooo…I mean…(_looks around frantically_) Boo-frickedy-hoo….

Jack: (_comes to the dock, still standing on the mast, although even he doesn't know how he got back up there…_)

Tid: OOOH PRETTY!!!

Jack: (_looks disturbed_)

Tid: Sorry…(_runs away_)

Jack: (_walks onto the dock and past the dock master, who is staring at him, drooling_)

Jack: (_stops walking, looking disturbed again_)

Dock Master: Sorry…it'll be a shilling to tie your boat at the dock.

Jack and Dock Master: (_look at the boat, which is underwater and waving a white flag_)

Jack: What do you say to three shillings…(_pulls out a bumper sticker that says, "Honk If You've Slept With Jack"_)…whoops…(_pulls out three shillings and puts the bumper sticker back in his pocket_)…and we forget the name?

Dock Master: (_stares_) Well…um…I really shouldn't fall for it…but oh whatever, welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith.

Jack: Mr. Smith? Why couldn't I be Mr. Noodlemantra or summat?

Dock Master: Because I said so!!!

Jack: Fine.

Dock Master: (_goes back to annoying people_)

Jack: (_steals Dock Master's change bag_) Niiiiice.

(Meanwhile again)

Elizabeth: Can't…breathe…Norrington…too…ugly….

Norrington: Look at me! (_sings_) I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gaaaaay!!!

Elizabeth: Tell me about it.

(Meanwhile again)

Jack: (_is stopped by two dumb guards_)

Murtogg: Sorry, fella, dock is off limits to civilians.

Jack: Terribly sorry, if I see one, I shall inform you immediately.

Mullroy: Ooooh, diss!!!

Murtogg: (_stares at Mullroy, who coughs_)

Jack: Seems there's some kind of fancy to-do up at the fort, eh? How can it be that two upstanding gentlemen such as yourselves did not merit an invitation?

Murtogg and Mullroy: (_look at each other and start sobbing_)

Jack: (_raises an eyebrow_)

Murtogg: (_stops crying and clears his throat_) Someone's got to MAKE sure the DOCKS aren't SWARMED with CRAZY BOAT-LOVING people SUCH as YOURSELF, MISTER.

Mullroy: (_pointing to Murtogg_) He's got some crazy mental problem that causes him to raise his voice at random times.

Jack: Yes, well…(_tries to leave, but is stopped_) It seems to be that a ship like that points to the _Dauntless_ makes a ship like this one seem a bit superfluous, really.

Mullroy: Yes, yes, we know the _Dauntless_ is a pretty damn ship, but nothing…not even Murtogg's weird disability…can match the _Interceptor_ for speed.

Jack: YEAH RIGHT!!! (_cracks up_)

Murtogg and Mullroy: (_stare_)

Jack: (_stops laughing abruptly_) I know of a ship that's really fast, not even the _Interceptor_ can catch…(_snort_)…_The Black Pearl_.

Mullroy: It's NOT a REAL SHIP, mister.

Murtogg: _The Black Pearl_ is a real ship.

Mullroy: IS NOT!!

Murtogg: IS TOO!!!

Mullroy: Okay fine, you've seen a ship with black sails that's crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him back out?

Murtogg: ……IS TOO!!

Jack: (_rolls eyes and walks away towards the ship_)

Mullroy: …IS NOT!!!

Murtogg: IS NOT!!!!

Mullroy: IS TOO!!!

Murtogg: Fine, if you say it's a real ship, then it's a real ship.

Mullroy: Thank you. Hey, wait a minute…you tricked me!!

Murtogg: I did, but so did he! (_points to Jack, who's at the wheel of the ship_)

Mullroy: Oy! You're not supposed to be up there, dude!!

Jack: Sorry, it's just a pretty fangirl…I mean…ship…(_looks nervous and tosses Tid overboard when the guards aren't looking_)

Tid: Yeah, yeah, I feel the love.

Murtogg: What's your name?

Jack: Smith. Or Smithy, if you prefer.

Mullroy: Purpose?

Jack: To take the rum, drink it all, seduce her, and sleep with her.

Murtogg and Mullroy: (_disturbed_)

Jack: I mean…okay, I confess. My purpose is to pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer our weasley black guts out.

Murtogg: I said no lies!!

Jack: No you didn't.

Mullroy: (_is ignoring Jack for the moment_) You didn't say that, but even if you did, maybe he's telling the truth…

Jack: Why would I do that?

Murtogg: (_is also ignoring Jack_) If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us.

Jack: HELLO!!! Unless of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you.

Murtogg and Mullroy: (_still ignoring Jack start fighting_)

Jack: (_rolls eyes_)

* * *

Mooha!! Yes, I am the only fangirl mentioned because I'M BLOODY GREEDY!!! I want Jack ALL TO MYSELF!!! MOOHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! (_cough_) Anyways…I stopped the Chappie there because if I didn't, you know, it'd be a hundred pages long….well anyhow, points fer those who knew where Norrington's song came from!!!! Oh yeah, and my fav quote that I made up myself is when somebody says, "But why's the rum gone?!" I say, "The rum's gone because I took it all, drank it all, seduced him, and slept with him." Yes, of course, I am talking about Jack. MOOHAHAHAHA!! I'm a disturbed little creature. So is Lauderdale. Give her credit. REVIEW!!

Lauderdale: I'm not disturbed.

* * *

**I'm going to cry.**


	3. It Just Might Be Love

**Do you remember when most of the things I say in the introductions were actually..._popular_?**

* * *

Lauderdale: I'm baaaaack!!

Tid: NOT FREDDY KRUEGER!! NOOOOO!!!!! (_sobs hysterically_)

Lauderdale: (_rolls eyes and pats Tid's back_) It's alright. Tid just saw _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ for the…

Tid: (_sniff_) Third.

Lauderdale: …time this week. Immensely depressed, this one is.

Tid: The bleepin' bleep killed him!!! FREDDY KRUEGER, YOU BLEEPIN' BLEEP!!!!

Lauderdale: (_disturbed_) Anyways, um…I'm gonna introduce the third chappie. (_silence_) Here's the third chappie.

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Chapter three: It Just Might Be Love…Or Just A Crazy Fangirl…

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Norrington: Yo, Lizzie!! I wanna talk to ya, my homie-G dawg!!

Elizabeth: Oh GOD no….

Norrington: (_pulls Elizabeth aside_) Anyways, I want to ask you…do I look good in this wig?

Elizabeth: The white one you're wearing now? If so, it looks hideous.

Norrington: (_stare_) I meant this one. (_puts on a ridiculous red sparkly wig_)

Elizabeth: (_scared_)

Norrington: No? Awright. (_turns around_) What I _really_ wanted to ask you was…dude, will ya marry me?!

Elizabeth: (_passes out from looking at sheer unattractiveness_)

Norrington: Whoazers, dude.

(Meanwhile)

Jack: …she couldn't keep her bloody hands off of me!!

Mullroy: And now she has your kid?!

Elizabeth: (_splash_)

Jack: Hm….

Murtogg: Hm….

Mullroy: Hm…I smell hotdogs….

Jack: (_points to Elizabeth, who's sinking_) Will you be saving her, then?

Mullroy: Hell, naw!

Murtogg: I can't SWIM!!!!

Jack: Tid's gonna hate Elizabeth…anyways, off to make a fancy-pansy dive _really_ made by Tony Angelatti…I mean…oh damnit here I go. (_dives_)

Gold medallion: kaBOOM!

Tid and Lauderdale: shaZAM!!!

Wind: (_blows_)

Flag: (_flaps_)

Hanged pirates: (_sway_)

Jack: (_grabs Elizabeth and finds she isn't movable…reaches in her pocket and finds a brick, a horse, an elephant, the Titanic, Ty Pennington, and an airplane_) Funny how most of those don't exist yet, eh? (_swims to surface_)

Murtogg, Mullroy, Governor Swann, and Norrington: We're off to see the WIZARD!!! Um…(_runs to Jack and Elizabeth_)

Jack: (_rips Elizabeth's corset off and she coughs up water_)

Tid: I hope you DIIIIIEEEE ELIZABETH!!!

Jack: (_holds up medallion thingy_) Where the bleeping did you get that?

Norrington: On your feet, hottie! I mean…just get the hell up.

Jack: (_stands_)

Elizabeth: Daddy, don't kill the sexy beast!!

Tid: You're _trying_ to make me hate you.

Jack: Would you go away for a moment?!

Tid: Sorry…(_walks away_)

Norrington: Handshake, mister!!

Jack: (_raises an eyebrow, but takes Norrington's hand anyway_)

Norrington: (_pulls Jack forward and lifts his sleeve_) AHA!! "P" for "_Princess_!!"

Jack: More like pirate.

Norrington: That's what I said.

Governor Swann: Hang him!

Norrington: (_ignoring the governor_) Isn't that what I said…? Ooh, wait, you're Jack Sparrow according to this tattoo inscribed upon your ever-so-masculine arm!!

Jack: CAPTAIN.

Norrington: (_stare_) You are, without doubt, the worst pirate I have ever heard of.

Tid: GO TO HELL, NORRINGTON!!!

Jack: But you _have_ heard of me….

Norrington: (_yanks Jack to Gillette, who has irons ready for him_)

Elizabeth: Commodore, I really must complain and whine about this….

Norrington: You mean protest.

Elizabeth: (_blink_) Whatever. You can't just kill him, he saved my life!!

Norrington: So? He's bad.

Jack: Am not.

Murtogg: ARE TOO!!!!

Jack: (_stare_)

Gillette: (_finishes handcuffing Jack_)

Jack: (_throws chains over Elizabeth's neck_)

Elizabeth: Eeep!

Tid: (_is really hating Elizabeth right now_)

Jack: Well now…I have the girl and I'm about to kill her if you bunch o' bird craps don't give me my effects right away. And my hat.

Norrington: (_stare_)

Jack: HELLO!!!

Norrington: (_hands Elizabeth the effects and hat, and she puts them on Jack_)

Tid: Damn you….

Jack: Thanks a lot, dude. Anyways, you will always remember this day as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!! (_shoves Elizabeth into Norrington's arms_) Y'all look so cute togetha...(_runs away_)

Norrington: Although I find this quite comfortable…hey!! KILL SPARROW!!

Tid: DON'T KILL SPARROW!!!!!!!

Jack: (_runs for bloody life_)

Blacksmith's shop: (_just stands there_)

Jack: Aha, a getaway…(_skips into the shop, singing the Munchkin song_)

* * *

Lauderdale: You're a disturbed creature, Tid!! I've seen you in this chapter more than I've seen Harrison Ford in the _Indiana Jones_ movies!!

Tid: You've never seen the _Indiana Jones_ movies.

Lauderdale: …Right, then. I've seen you in this chapter more than I've seen Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan in the _James Bond_ movies!!

Tid: You've never seen the _James Bond_ movies.

Lauderdale: I've seen you in this chapter more than–

Tid: Stop trying.

* * *

**And to conclude another chapter...**


	4. The DUDE

**Hi, my name is TidVS and I like capital letters and excessive exclamation marks.**

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Tid: I love Captain Jack Sparrow.

Lauderdale: So you've said the many times you've mentioned you wanted to sleep with him.

Tid: I wanna sleep with him.

Lauderdale: Would ya stop?! Anyways, chappie four up!! Disclaimer…(_looks nervously at Tid, who's staring at her_) Tiddoesn'townPotCorJackSparrow hides

Tid: WAHHHHH!!!!

* * *

Chapter four: The DUDE!

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Jack: (_walks in shop, singing a twisted up version of the Munchkin song_) We're the Lollipop Cult, the Lollipop Cult…ah, something to rid of my chains….

Mr. Brown: (_SNORRRE!_)

Jack: NOT ME, I SWEAR!! Oh…(_pokes Mr. Brown, does a can-can, sings "I Will Survive" (complete with dance number), and claps his hands forty times_)

Mr. Brown: (_still sleeping_)

Jack: (_uses hammer thingy but fails, then gets a hot hook-shaped iron thingy and looks at Tid and Lauderdale, raising an eyebrow_)

Tid: JACK'S ON FIRE!! (_swoon_)

Jack: (_smirks and pokes the donkey on the butt with the poker_)

Tid: Jack just poked the ass in the ass…oh I crack myself up…(_falls over_)

Donkey: I'm in the wrong movie….Ow!!! I shouldn't be here!! My ass hurts…SHREK!!!

Jack: (_disturbed_)

Chains: (_caught in wheel thingy and break_)

Door: (_opens reaaal slowly_)

Tid: IT'S FREDDY!! NOOOOO!!!!! (_sobs_)

Lauderdale: (_clouts Tid_)

Jack: (_disappears_)

Will: (_walks in, singing a twisted-up version of Barney's, "I Love You"_) …With a great big gun and a shot between the eyes…hey…Mr. Brown…dude, you're reaal stoned, dude.

Mr. Brown: (_SNORRRRE!_)

Will: The hammer's more stoned…

Hammer: I'll trade you a hammer for a screw.

Will: RAPIST!! And the hat…where'd that come from?!

Jack: Don't you dare even think of touching my hat.

Will: (_thinks of touching Jack's hat_)

Jack: You thought it! You must die!

Will: _You're_ the one who threatened Miss Swann, so _you_ must die!!

Tid: WILL MUST DIE FOR THINKING JACK MUST DIE!!!

Lauderdale: TID MUST DIE FOR THINKING WILL MUST DIE FOR THINKING JACK MUST DIE!!!

Amy, Tid's Sister: LAUDERDALE MUST DIE FOR THINKING TID MUST DIE FOR THINKING WILL MUST DIE FOR THINKING JACK MUST DIE!!!

Amanda, Tid's Best Friend: (_dies_)

Will: (_is confused, and starts to fight Jack_)

Jack: Dude, it ain't wise to mess wit a pirate, dude.

Will: (_clears his throat_) Who said you were a pirate?

Jack: Who said you were a man?!?!

Donkey: Daaaaannnnnggggg…!

Will and Jack: (_stare_)

Donkey: (_grumbles_)

Will: (_gets Jack stuck with his sword_)

Jack: You Freddy Krueger….

Tid: ULTIMATE INSULT!!!!!

Will: Boo-frickedy-hoo.

Jack: (_growls and swings madly at Will, who trips and falls off of balance thingy_) HAHA!

Lauderdale: Tid's favorite part….

Jack: (_flips upside-down_)

Tid: (_drools and claws at screen_)

Lauderdale: DOWN, GIRL!!!

Will: Was I supposed to do something here?

Jack: (_falls and sends Will flying_)

Will: Neeeeeeevermind….

Jack: (_looks around_) Where'd the eunuch go?

Will: Happy birthday!! (_cuts rope_)

Jack: But it's not my…(_goes flying_) WHOA!!!

Jack and Will: (_fight on rafters_)

Will: Give up!!

Jack: Hm…no.

Jack and Will: (_flip off the rafters_)

Will: (_tries to stab Jack_)

Jack: (_stands there_)

Will: (_misses_)

Jack: (_jumps onto fireplace and pours dust on Will, kicking his sword out of his hands_) Chocolate-covered Orlando….

Tid: Yuk.

Lauderdale: YUM!

Jack: I feel betrayed. (_aims pistol at Will_) Move.

Will: You cheated.

Jack: Pirate.

Tid: FREE PIRATE!! RUUUUN JACK!!!

Will: I will not move and just let you escape.

Jack: Pretty please?

Will: No.

Jack: With Elizabeth on top?

Will: What will she be wearing?

Jack: (_disturbed_)

Mr. Brown: (_hits Jack over head with bottle_)

Tid: YOU FREDDY KRUEGER!!!! (_sobs_)

Jack: Jingle bells…(_passes out_)

Norrington: (_runs in_) I'm convenient!! Thank you Mr. Brown, I'm giving you the credit and not Will, which makes Tid laugh hysterically.

Will: O.o

Tid: Better believe it, baby!

Mr. Brown: Just civic my duty service….just service my civic duties….(_passes out_)

Norrington and Will: (_stare_)

Jack: (_snore_)

* * *

Lauderdale: Wrong, wrong, wrong. All wrong. 

Tid: Shut up, traitor.

Lauderdale: I promise you, readers, you WILL see less of us in the next chapter.

Tid: Hell, this might as well be a commentary.

Lauderdale: I think it is.

Tid: Oh……REVIEW!!

* * *

**So...I have a Christmas song stuck in my head.**


	5. A Dog and a Jail

**I really sound crazy. I can't guarantee you that I'm not.

* * *

**

Tid: Welcome to chappie five!! 

Lauderdale: I'm not in a good mood.

Tid: Neither am I.

Lauderdale: Well duh, if I'm not in a good mood, it wouldn't be possible for you to be in a good mood because I'M IN YOUR HEAD.

Tid: AHH GET OUT!!!

Lauderdale: rolls eyes And yet somehow my I.Q. is higher….

* * *

Chapter five: A Dog and A Jail

* * *

Prisoners: Come 'ere, doggy…come doggy doggy doggy…. 

Random Prisoner: Come 'ere, bitch!

Dog: I begeth your pardon?!!?

Random Prisoner: It's another name for a dog.

Dog: Oh.

Jack: You can keep talking to it forever but the dog is never going to talk back.

Random Prisoner: It just did.

Jack: (_falls off bench_)

(Meanwhile)

Maid: Wasn't that horrible?!?

Elizabeth: No!! That pirate was the hottest, most built, tannest–

Maid: I meant getting proposed to.

Elizabeth: Oh…yes, horrible. (_cough_)

Maid: But that Will Turner...he's a fine man, too.

Tid: IS NOT!!!

Lauderdale: IS TOO!!!

Elizabeth: I'm actually sort of neutral about him, myself.

Maid: (_stare_) Hm….well, I should be going now…(_runs away_)

Elizabeth: Nice exit there, chicky-babe!! (_rolls eyes_)

Wind: (_blows_)

Candle: (_goes out_)

(Meanwhile)

Will: Have a holly, jolly Christmas…(_clang_) What the…? (_looks out window_)

Cat: Gimme all your money!!

Will: How about no?

(Meanwhile again)

Black Pearl: (_glide_)

(Meanwhile again)

Governor Swann: Has my daughter given you an answer yet, Commodore?

Norrington: (_snorts_) No.

Governor Swann: Well why not?

Norrington: She's been too busy watching _Saturday Night Live_ and sitting on her big butt all day.

Governor Swann: …You're confusing Elizabeth with your sister.

Norrington: Oh.

Cannon: kaBOOM!

Tid and Lauderdale: shaZAM!!!

Norrington: Crappidy crap crap. Let's get moving, soldiers!!!

Soldiers: Do we hafta?

Random Soldier: (_blows up_)

Soldiers: (_stare_) Okay, what do we need to do?

(Meanwhile)

Jack: I know those cannons…(_looks out window_) Mummy?!?!

Random Prisoner: It's _The Black Pearl_, dimbo.

Tid: (_blows random prisoner up for insulting Jack_)

Jack: That worked out nicely…oh it _is_ the _Pearl_….

Second Random Prisoner: I've heard stories. She eats people. Leaves no survivors.

Jack: No survivors. I wonder where the stories come from, eh?

Second Random Prisoner: I quit with this guy, he's too smart!!!

(Meanwhile)

Random Objects: kaBOOM!!

Tid and Lauderdale: shaZAM!!

Little Kid: Gimme all your money before I…I mean…(_screech_)

Other Random Objects and People: kaBOOM!!

Tid and Lauderdale: shaZAM!!

Will: I'm gonna have the first killing in the movie!!

Tid: Not really.

Will: Shut up!!

Jacoby: Hello.

Will: DIE!! (_throws hatchet at Jacoby_)

Lauderdale: YOU'RE SO MEAN!!! But I luv ya….

Tid: (_rolls eyes_)

Jacoby: (_dies_)

Random Bystander: That rhymed.

Tid, Lauderdale, Will, and Jacoby: No shit, Sherlock.

Random Bystander: (_blows up_)

Will: (_cracks up_) (_gets knocked out_)

(Meanwhile)

Jail Cell Wall: (_blows up, creating a large hole_)

Second Random Prisoner: GET ME AWAY FROM THE DUDE WHO'S TOO SMART FOR HIS OWN DAMN GOOD!!

Third Random Prisoner: Sorry, dude, you've no manner of luck at all.

Jack: (_pouts and looks out the puny hole in the wall_)

Tid: MY BABY!!! (_cries_)

Cannon and Smoke: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gaaaaay!!

* * *

Tid: (_cries_) 

Lauderdale: Isn't it the prettiest thing you ever saw?

Tid: (_cries_)

Lauderdale: Tid, Jack _will_ get out.

Tid: (_cries_)

Lauderdale: Anyway, REVIEW!! Oh wait…Tid just handed me a piece of paper…lemme read…. "I am fully aware that there is a huge chunk of movie missing from this chapter (the parlez part) and I cannot insert it due to the fact that even though I've seen this movie 102 times, my memory is still not working." Hm…and yet you seem to remember almost every line.

Tid: (_cries_)

* * *

**Have a holly, jolly Christmas...dammit.**


	6. Barrrrbosa!

**This is quite funny. I might or might not write a parody of Dead Man's Chest...if I feel like it.

* * *

**

Tid: Yeah, yeah, sorry for last chapter…I forgot to add the Parlez part. Damn. 

Lauderdale: Yeah. Not yer fault, mate.

Tid: Who's the pirate here?!?!

Lauderdale: (_sigh_) You.

Tid: Remember that. So anyways, jest imagine yer own little parlez part in those funky heads o' yers. Now. Thanks a bunch.

Lauderdale: Chappie six!!

* * *

Chapter six: Barrrrbossa!!

* * *

Jack: (_picks up bone_) Heeeerrrrrreee, doggy, doggy, doggy…come on, come here to ol' Jack….

Dog: I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.

Jack: (_blinks_) Shut up, that's not your line.

Dog: Then I won't come. I'll just run awaaaaaaaaay!!! (_runs away_)

Jack: No, no, no, no, no, come back, I'm sorry, I luv ya….

Twigg and Koehler: (_stumble into room_)

Koehler: Ey, this ain't the bathroom…(_bites lip and whimpers, dancing around_)

Twigg: I told you to go before we came, you frickin…oh look, it's Jack Sparrow.

Tid and Lauderdale: CAPTAIN.

Twigg: (_spits on the ground in front of Jack_)

Koehler: The last time we saw ye, ye were shrinking into the distance and we were leavin' yer purty ass behind.

Tid: (_growls angrily_)

Jack: The circle of deepest Hell is mutineers for betrayers and reserved…waitaminute…lemme try that again…. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. Yeah. That.

Twigg: (_grabs Jack's neck, showing a skeleton hand_) You know nothing of Hell.

Tid: (_screams_) A CURSE!!!

Jack: Actually, I do. I'm in it right now. This cell isn't a luxury hotel, thank you very much.

Koehler: Uh, Twigg?

Twigg: What?!

Koehler: (_points to the ground and winces_) I'm sorry….

Twigg: (_groans and rolls eyes_) Why couldn't you hold it in?

Koehler and Twigg: (_leave_)

Jack: (_looks at ground_) That's just disgusting.

(Meanwhile)

Elizabeth: This is interesting…but beautiful…in a very spooky way….

Random Pirate: Shut up.

Elizabeth: (_shuts up_)

Pirates: (_bring Elizabeth aboard the _Pearl)

Bo'sun: Whattaya want?

Elizabeth: I'm her to negotiate…(_gets slapped_) OW!!!

Tid and Lauderdale: STAND UP FOR YO RIGHTS, GIRL!!!

Barbossa: I think that was a tad bit mean. Plus ye can't harm none under protection of parlez. You stupid head. Anyways, I'm the captain.

Elizabeth: I'm here to negotiate…something about something…um…let's just cut to the chase, I have this medallion thingy and I know you want it.

Barbossa: Do not.

Elizabeth: (_holds medallion over water_) Ye sure?

Barbossa: ….Damn…hand it over.

Elizabeth: Only if you fulfill my request.

Barbossa: Yes, yes, fine, what is it?

Elizabeth: I want you to leave and never come back.

Barbossa: (_cracks up and falls to the ground, laughing_)

Elizabeth: (_raises an eyebrow_)

Barbossa: (_rolls overboard, still laughing_)

Elizabeth: Well, that worked out nicely….

Barbossa: (_climbs aboard and stands up as if nothing happened_) Well, Missy, only if you tell me your name will I be able to fulfill your request.

Elizabeth: Elizabeth…Noodlemantra.

Barbossa: Is not.

Elizabeth: Elizabeth…Norrington.

Barbossa: You're kidding, right?

Elizabeth: Elizabeth…Turner.

Barbossa: Miss Turnerrrrrrrr….(_takes medallion and gives it to the monkey_)

Lauderdale: You gave it to the monkey?!?!?!

Barbossa: (_scratches Lauderdale's eyes out_)

Lauderdale: Holy bleeping!!!!

Barbossa: Anyways, EVERYONE DO THE STUFF YOU DO TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING!!

Elizabeth: Wait…wait…our agreement!

Barbossa: First of all, ye have to be a pirate to follow the code, and yer not, second of all, the rules are more like guidelines, anyway, and third, me name is Hector Barbossa, and I'm a Meanie Poo! Welcome to _The Black Pearl_, Miss Turner!

Elizabeth: DAMN! I knew I should've made my name Elizabeth Smithsonjonesjohnsonsnitchzer….

* * *

Tid: Nothing really to say down here…

Lauderdale: I'M BLIND!! I'M RUNNING AROUND LIKE A MORON AND YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY DOWN HERE?!?!?!

Tid: Yup.

Lauderdale: (_gets sunglasses and covers her eyeless sockets_) I feel…I feel…uh-oh…I'm sensing something coming from the Depper over here….

Tid: (_whispers_) _Once Upon a Time in Mexico_….

Lauderdale: (_tries to roll eyes…but there are no eyes to roll_) You are obsessed.

Tid: YOU HAVE NO EYES!!!

Lauderdale: Good point.

* * *

**Alright, for some reason I'm in pain.**


	7. Do We Have an Accordion?

**Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, doo-dah, doo-dah...

* * *

**

Lauderdale: (_sighs and cleans her sunglasses, then puts them back on_)

Tid: (_winces_) Scary. Anyways, this is chappie seven.

Lauderdale: I can't believe we finally made it to chapter seven.

Tid: Neither can I.

Lauderdale: (_can't cry…no eyes_)

Tid: Well, since Lauderdale is in such a delicate state…sort of…I'll introduce the chapter. This is chappie seven. There. I introduced it, aren't you proud of me, Laud?!

Lauderdale: (_"looks" in opposite direction Tid's in_) Just bustin' with pride.

* * *

Chapter seven: Do We Have An Accordion?

* * *

Will: (_wakes up on ground_) Ew…stupid chickens…that's wrong…it's called a bathroom, you know.

Chickens: CLUCK!

Will: (_looks around_) Holy Mother of Jim Carrey…Elizabeth was taken!!

Random Chicken: No duh. And Jim Carrey doesn't exist yet, genius.

Will: (_stabs the chicken_)

(Meanwhile)

Norrington: You know what I find funny?

Governor Swann: (_dully_) What?

Norrington: (_just as dully_) Your face.

Will: They've taken Elizabeth!!

Norrington: Mr. Murtogg, remove this man.

Murtogg: YES sir, right AWAY SIR! (_tries to take Will, but he throws a hissy fit so he stops_)

Will: We've got to get her!

Governor Swann: If you know anything about what happened, please inform us NOW!!!

Will: I don't. (_hangs head in shame_)

Murtogg: Jack Sparrow.

Tid: CAPTAIN.

Norrington: What about him?

Murtogg: He mentioned _The Black Pearl_.

Mullroy: Laughed his ass off about it is more what he did.

Norrington, Will, and Governor Swann: (_blink_)

Will: Yeah, so ask him!!

Norrington: Not a good plan. Mr. Sparrow isn't an ally to them. I can tell.

Will: That's not good enough!!!

Governor Swann: Do tell what is, Mr. Turner.

Will: O.o

Governor Swann: That's what I thought.

Will: No, Governor, there's a chicken climbing your leg.

Governor Swann: (_looks down_) So there is…GET OFF ME!!!

Norrington: Mr. Turner, please do not die thinking you are the only person here who cares for Elizabeth.

Will: DIE?!?

Norrington: I mean…just go away.

Will: Oookay.

(Meanwhile)

Jack: Come on…stupid lock….

Will: (_clambers down steps_)

Jack: (_dashes to back of cell and lays down_)

Will: Sparrow!

Tid: CAPTAIN.

Jack: Aye?

Will: You need to talk randomly about _The Black Pearl_ so the audience needs to watch this movie 103 times to understand it fully and memorize it.

Jack: (_blink_) Why don't we just get to the chase, then?

Will: Sounds like a plan.

Jack: Name?

Will: Will Turner.

Jack: Short for William, I assume?

Will: Yuppers!

Jack: Good, strong name…after your father, yes?

Will: Yuppers!!

Jack: Cool.

Will: Cool.

Jack: ….

Will: ….

Jack: You're after a girl, ain't ye?

Will: Yuppers!!!

Jack: So…anyways…you help me find the _Pearl_, and I help you find your bonnie lass. Do we have an accord?

Will: (_reaches behind him and pulls out an accordion…starts playing "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean"_)

Jack: (_stares_) I said "accord," not "accordion," you raving eunuch.

Will: Oh….

Jack: Get me out of here…please….

Will: (_tosses accordion away, causing someone to scream and a cat to hiss_) Whoops. (_picks up bench and smashes it against the bars, causing them to fall_)

Jack: That's interesting….

Will: Shut up and let's go!!

Jack: Not without my effects!

Will: FINE!!

(And so….)

Jack and Will: (_tiptoe underneath a bridge_)

Will: So…we're gonna steal that ship?

Jack: COMMANDEER!! How many times…?! It's a nautical term. Judas Priest.

Will: (_cries_) I'm sorry!!

Jack: (_smacks Will_) At least _pretend_ you're a man….

Lauderdale: I can't see…but I wanna hit Jack….

Tid: (_covers Lauderdale's mouth_) Shut up, it makes it seem like _I'm_ the one who wants to hit Jack…and I _don't_!

Will and Jack: (_underneath boat thingy in water_)

Will: Either you're stoned or I'm stoned.

Jack: I can't tell at the moment.

Will and Jack: (_climb back of ship and onto the deck_)

Jack: Sorry to interrupt your game of Truth of Dare, fellas, but we're taking over the ship!!

Will: What he said!!

Random Sailor: Hey Gillette, since it's your turn, I dare ye to stand up to that pirate there.

Jack: (_aims pistol at Gillette's head_) Not a good idea, son.

Gillette: I'm pressing charges against you, Random Sailor.

(Meanwhile)

Norrington: You know what I find funny?

Random Navy Official: What?

Norrington: Your face.

Gillette: (_from far away_) OY! NORRINGTON!! THEY'RE TAKING THE SHIP!! SPARROW AND TURNER ARE TAKING THE _DAUNTLESS_!!

Tid: CAPTAIN.

Norrington: Damn. Turner, you are soooo in trouble….

(Meanwhile)

Will: Here they come….

Jack: (_grins_)

Tid: (_swoon_)

(Meanwhile)

Norrington: All you men do something that makes you look like you know what you're doing! We need to catch up….

Everyone but Jack and Will: (_climb from the _Interceptor_ to the _Dauntless) We're coming after you, you mangy rascals!!

Jack and Will: (_swing from the _Dauntless_ to the _Interceptor)

Norrington: Or not. EVERYONE BACK TO THE _INTERCEPTOR_!!

Random Sailor: (_swings and lands in the ocean_) Damn.

Norrington: Or not.

Jack: (_from Interceptor_) Thank you so much, Commodore, we really luv ya!! We couldn't have done this all by our onsies!!

Random Navy Official: That has got to be the best pirate I have ever seen.

Norrington: (_claws Random Navy Official's eyes out and tosses him overboard_) I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT!!!

Lauderdale: I feel your pain, Navy Official, I really do. (_sobs without tears_)

* * *

Tid: How many fingers am I holding? (_hold up four fingers_)

Lauderdale: Seven?

Tid: How about now? (_holds up two_)

Lauderdale: Ten?

Tid: (_sigh_) Close enough. REVIEW!!!

* * *

**Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, oh dee doo-dah-day.**


End file.
